There's one shop. Does that make it a town?

Whilst face-booking my way through my day yesterday, I noticed that a face-friend of mine had updated their status to

"Jessica Fox is looking forward to dying her hair red for the last time".

This sent me into a spiral of worry, Jessica Fox dyes her hair red because she plays a character on television who has red hair. If she was going to stop dying it, she wasn't going to be playing the character anymore, and that, my friends, would mean the end of my excuse to watch Hollyoaks.

Hollyoaks first hit our screens in 1995 - it's a soap opera aimed at young people/adults, and is set in the (town? city? hamlet?) of Hollyoakes, Chester. Hollyoaks storylines first centred around the lives of about 10 'young people' but now involves a cast of 50 +, which are frequently refreshed by the HCC (Hollyoaks Community College) freshers intake, which top-up the population after a years worth of carnage has dispatched half the village.

Since 1995, Hollyoaks story lines have included drug addiction (all kinds), murder (planned and accidental), arson(in one case coupled with an attempt at suicide bombing), hit and run palavers, abortion, suicide, car crashes, plane crashes, homelessness, financial problems, interracial relationships, racism, religion, bisexuality, homosexuality, homophobia, sexual confusion, alcoholism, rape (male and female), cancer, child abuse, domestic violence, anorexia/bulimia (and the one character who was fat), incest, sexual harassment, general bullying, what happens when you 'accidentally' accuse your foster parents of abuse, carbon monoxide poisoning, living with epilepsy, hiding your diabetes, HIV, pupil/teacher relationships, self harm, roid-rage,schizophrenia, OCD, gambling addiction, shoplifting, fostering, teenage pregnancy, miscarriage, kidnapping, brain aneurysm, surrogacy, faking your own death, the totally harrowing Cot-Death of Baby Grace and The Claire Cunningham Story Arc.

In 1996, Hollyoaks was voted "Most Dangerous Place in the World. Ever".

I've been lucky enough to have a few friends take their lives in their literal hands and feature on this chronic mash-up of doom-opera, playing, respectively,

• a bloke who was didn't date-rape someone, but somehow confessed to it, which everyone believed because he somehow had managed to burn down his ex-girlfriends house, was sent to prison, escaped by holding his sister hostage, then burns down the pub with half the cast and himself in it. He dies.
• a guy who had testicular cancer, crabs, and saw his sister raped. he has since disapeared to France(?) having kidnapped some kid who may or maynot be his son.
• a teacher who slept with a schoolboy, had his baby, and was put in prison after he cried rape where she was promptly stabbed to death.

But none of this can possibly be as bad as what Jess must be facing in the run up to her exit, because Jess is Hollyoaks no-hold-barred property. Yep, Jess plays one of the 'Oaks alternative cast members.

As bad as life if for anyone who makes the mistake of alighting at Hollyoaks Metropolis Station, life is a million times worse for the interesting ones.

Sasha the goth and keyboard player in Hollyoak's only band got hooked on heroin in year 9 and started stealing and eventually hooking.
Newt the emo kid (fostered by Jack and co) 'got' schizophrenia and several split personalities which tried to kill various people, and then him.
Zoe (who wasn't even that cool but just looked like a normal person) currently rots in jail after she started dating an old man and had a lesbian affair with his daughter who has just committed suicide during a sky dive.
Chris the transvestite is regularly beaten half to death and sort-of had HIV for a while.
Rhys (who is a total loser, but did form the Hollyoaks band) tried to date the local swimming star, but was then seduced by her mum to sabotage the relationship. His attempt at a new relationship also went tits-up when he found out his new girlfriend was also his half-sister. But it was all okay, because he accidentally killed her later on.

Jess plays Nancy. She's already had a reasonably rough time as her sister was murdered leaving her looking after her sisters son whilst still at college. Then the son was ill, and she started dating her sisters former husband who then abused her. I doubt things are going to get better. Nancy has dyed red hair. The wikipedia for her character notes that she is "portrayed as a less conventional character compared to the rest of the Hollyoaks teenagers". She is in for it. In fact not only is she quirky, shes also one of the characters who moved to Hollyoaks 'from the South'.

Oh dear.