Yeah, Yeah (I'm Not You) ...

I'm a bit of an MTV fanatic. I can get a little addicted to some proper rubbish on it (Made, Switched, The Hills etc) so I felt it was my duty to check out recent a offering, the overly-longly-named Sharon Osbournes Rock of Love Charm School. Now, I'm not so sure that Sharon Osbourne is properly qualified to teach 'charm' to America's young charmless women, in fact, I have a Brownie Guides 'Hostess' badge, so in terms of formal qualifications, I may have been a better candidate. But teaching charm she is, and her loud, hair-extensioned, gum-chewing charges seem to be benefiting from the experience. In the episode I watched, they had to entertain a fake duchess. They seemed to do okay. And it offered the minimum of entertainment value, but was regrettably unquote-able. In between vaguely watching, I channel hopped, taking in some of Dogg After Dark (some kind of chat show, set in a night club, with Snoop Doggy Dogg hosting) and watched a little of a short film, which was on the channel that no-one watches, that just shows short films. The short had a couple of well-heeled super indie US actors in, and just as I was giving up and going to bed, Zooey Deschanel popped up.

The problem with Zooey, of course, is that its all a bit much. Shes very pretty, very well-dressed, gets to be in movies that range from huh? to pseudo-blockbuster to pretty damn good. And she got to kiss Paul Dano in Gigantic. She's in a band that have a record deal, and she's engaged to Ben Gibbard. Of course, on the other hand, she's not a great actress, her band are fairly rubbish (despite having M. Ward as a song-writing partner), and she's engaged to Ben Gibbard (fellow social commentator Samuel Dougherty remarks "that's got to be a totally insipid relationship").

The problem really, and the main issue facing young women today, is that however they look at it, they have little to no real chance of being Zooey Deschanel. She is Zooey, and no one else can be. She even gets to have her otherwise mediocre (but not unpleasant) name (ZOE) spelt in the most uber-cool way possible.

It's such a tragedy for the rest of the world that I (late, sleepy and not Zooey) wrote a song about it. I have stolen the tune from a ditty Kaydence and I co-wrote in June (the instant classic "Yeah, Yeah, I've Got Zips!" - inspired by Kaydence's discovery that my coat had buttons, but hers had zips) and created the mostly inferior "Yeah, Yeah (I'm Not You) ZOOEY!

I have no way at the moment, to share this wondrous piece of song writing, but I can offer a sample of lyrics, for everyone who is not Zooey.

Yeah, Yeah, (I'm Not You) ZOOEY!

I'm told most every machine comes with defects built in, just to keep you buying spare parts,
But I'm fairly sure, yes? that you are flawless,
So smile for the camera, sweetheart.
It's not you, it's just me,
Are you Zooey? No, I'm not. Yeah? but,
Yeah, yeah, I'm not you (ZOOEY!)
Yeah, yeah, I'm not you (ZOOEY!)
Yeah, yeah, I'm not you. Yeah, yeah, yeah...

And thats quite enough of that.

It's on the TELEVISION.

Couple of experiences recently with TV commercials...

“Choose a different ending” was the Met’s anti knife crime advert campaign aimed at 13 to 15-year-olds. Through a series of interactive short films, the campaign asked viewers to make decisions in relation to various scenarios relating to knife crime. These were presented on television as bookends during your average 3 min advertising segment. I'm sure you remember the ones, a POV camera followed a jacketed yoof type as he was shouted at by a bunch of other yoofs, goes home, gets a knife and prepares to get shivvy with it. The ads would cut away pretty suddenly, meaning they kind of ran into what ever the next adverts were, confusing everybody. Especially the wonderful day when I saw “Choose a different ending” cut directly to a Robert Dyas advert, which opened with a Robert Dyas storefront. Amazing. “Choose a different ending” - consider buying your knives from quality high-street kitchenware emporiums. Those knives cut deep, kids.

Despite parking myself in front of the TV with my camera for literally days, desperate to see this amazing piece of TV blunder-ation again, it has remained elusive. I can't explain how amazing it was. I had to actually stand up, point at the Tv and look around saying "Oh! Oh my..! Did you? Did that?", despite knowing I was the only one home. Now that's how one should react to a advert.

Here's how one should not react to an advert Coca-Cola - by blinking (a bit), shrugging, and muttering "Welcome aboard the hipster train. Losers" Sorry, C-dubs, Calvin Harris weak-ass summer song, weird puppety beasties, organs, shiny happy people: I don't buy it, or your sugar-water.

Rock Star

Kids a genius.