There's one shop. Does that make it a town?

Whilst face-booking my way through my day yesterday, I noticed that a face-friend of mine had updated their status to

"Jessica Fox is looking forward to dying her hair red for the last time".

This sent me into a spiral of worry, Jessica Fox dyes her hair red because she plays a character on television who has red hair. If she was going to stop dying it, she wasn't going to be playing the character anymore, and that, my friends, would mean the end of my excuse to watch Hollyoaks.

Hollyoaks first hit our screens in 1995 - it's a soap opera aimed at young people/adults, and is set in the (town? city? hamlet?) of Hollyoakes, Chester. Hollyoaks storylines first centred around the lives of about 10 'young people' but now involves a cast of 50 +, which are frequently refreshed by the HCC (Hollyoaks Community College) freshers intake, which top-up the population after a years worth of carnage has dispatched half the village.

Since 1995, Hollyoaks story lines have included drug addiction (all kinds), murder (planned and accidental), arson(in one case coupled with an attempt at suicide bombing), hit and run palavers, abortion, suicide, car crashes, plane crashes, homelessness, financial problems, interracial relationships, racism, religion, bisexuality, homosexuality, homophobia, sexual confusion, alcoholism, rape (male and female), cancer, child abuse, domestic violence, anorexia/bulimia (and the one character who was fat), incest, sexual harassment, general bullying, what happens when you 'accidentally' accuse your foster parents of abuse, carbon monoxide poisoning, living with epilepsy, hiding your diabetes, HIV, pupil/teacher relationships, self harm, roid-rage,schizophrenia, OCD, gambling addiction, shoplifting, fostering, teenage pregnancy, miscarriage, kidnapping, brain aneurysm, surrogacy, faking your own death, the totally harrowing Cot-Death of Baby Grace and The Claire Cunningham Story Arc.

In 1996, Hollyoaks was voted "Most Dangerous Place in the World. Ever".

I've been lucky enough to have a few friends take their lives in their literal hands and feature on this chronic mash-up of doom-opera, playing, respectively,

• a bloke who was didn't date-rape someone, but somehow confessed to it, which everyone believed because he somehow had managed to burn down his ex-girlfriends house, was sent to prison, escaped by holding his sister hostage, then burns down the pub with half the cast and himself in it. He dies.
• a guy who had testicular cancer, crabs, and saw his sister raped. he has since disapeared to France(?) having kidnapped some kid who may or maynot be his son.
• a teacher who slept with a schoolboy, had his baby, and was put in prison after he cried rape where she was promptly stabbed to death.

But none of this can possibly be as bad as what Jess must be facing in the run up to her exit, because Jess is Hollyoaks no-hold-barred property. Yep, Jess plays one of the 'Oaks alternative cast members.

As bad as life if for anyone who makes the mistake of alighting at Hollyoaks Metropolis Station, life is a million times worse for the interesting ones.

Sasha the goth and keyboard player in Hollyoak's only band got hooked on heroin in year 9 and started stealing and eventually hooking.
Newt the emo kid (fostered by Jack and co) 'got' schizophrenia and several split personalities which tried to kill various people, and then him.
Zoe (who wasn't even that cool but just looked like a normal person) currently rots in jail after she started dating an old man and had a lesbian affair with his daughter who has just committed suicide during a sky dive.
Chris the transvestite is regularly beaten half to death and sort-of had HIV for a while.
Rhys (who is a total loser, but did form the Hollyoaks band) tried to date the local swimming star, but was then seduced by her mum to sabotage the relationship. His attempt at a new relationship also went tits-up when he found out his new girlfriend was also his half-sister. But it was all okay, because he accidentally killed her later on.

Jess plays Nancy. She's already had a reasonably rough time as her sister was murdered leaving her looking after her sisters son whilst still at college. Then the son was ill, and she started dating her sisters former husband who then abused her. I doubt things are going to get better. Nancy has dyed red hair. The wikipedia for her character notes that she is "portrayed as a less conventional character compared to the rest of the Hollyoaks teenagers". She is in for it. In fact not only is she quirky, shes also one of the characters who moved to Hollyoaks 'from the South'.

Oh dear.

Yeah, Yeah (I'm Not You) ...

I'm a bit of an MTV fanatic. I can get a little addicted to some proper rubbish on it (Made, Switched, The Hills etc) so I felt it was my duty to check out recent a offering, the overly-longly-named Sharon Osbournes Rock of Love Charm School. Now, I'm not so sure that Sharon Osbourne is properly qualified to teach 'charm' to America's young charmless women, in fact, I have a Brownie Guides 'Hostess' badge, so in terms of formal qualifications, I may have been a better candidate. But teaching charm she is, and her loud, hair-extensioned, gum-chewing charges seem to be benefiting from the experience. In the episode I watched, they had to entertain a fake duchess. They seemed to do okay. And it offered the minimum of entertainment value, but was regrettably unquote-able. In between vaguely watching, I channel hopped, taking in some of Dogg After Dark (some kind of chat show, set in a night club, with Snoop Doggy Dogg hosting) and watched a little of a short film, which was on the channel that no-one watches, that just shows short films. The short had a couple of well-heeled super indie US actors in, and just as I was giving up and going to bed, Zooey Deschanel popped up.

The problem with Zooey, of course, is that its all a bit much. Shes very pretty, very well-dressed, gets to be in movies that range from huh? to pseudo-blockbuster to pretty damn good. And she got to kiss Paul Dano in Gigantic. She's in a band that have a record deal, and she's engaged to Ben Gibbard. Of course, on the other hand, she's not a great actress, her band are fairly rubbish (despite having M. Ward as a song-writing partner), and she's engaged to Ben Gibbard (fellow social commentator Samuel Dougherty remarks "that's got to be a totally insipid relationship").

The problem really, and the main issue facing young women today, is that however they look at it, they have little to no real chance of being Zooey Deschanel. She is Zooey, and no one else can be. She even gets to have her otherwise mediocre (but not unpleasant) name (ZOE) spelt in the most uber-cool way possible.

It's such a tragedy for the rest of the world that I (late, sleepy and not Zooey) wrote a song about it. I have stolen the tune from a ditty Kaydence and I co-wrote in June (the instant classic "Yeah, Yeah, I've Got Zips!" - inspired by Kaydence's discovery that my coat had buttons, but hers had zips) and created the mostly inferior "Yeah, Yeah (I'm Not You) ZOOEY!

I have no way at the moment, to share this wondrous piece of song writing, but I can offer a sample of lyrics, for everyone who is not Zooey.

Yeah, Yeah, (I'm Not You) ZOOEY!

I'm told most every machine comes with defects built in, just to keep you buying spare parts,
But I'm fairly sure, yes? that you are flawless,
So smile for the camera, sweetheart.
It's not you, it's just me,
Are you Zooey? No, I'm not. Yeah? but,
Yeah, yeah, I'm not you (ZOOEY!)
Yeah, yeah, I'm not you (ZOOEY!)
Yeah, yeah, I'm not you. Yeah, yeah, yeah...

And thats quite enough of that.

It's on the TELEVISION.

Couple of experiences recently with TV commercials...

“Choose a different ending” was the Met’s anti knife crime advert campaign aimed at 13 to 15-year-olds. Through a series of interactive short films, the campaign asked viewers to make decisions in relation to various scenarios relating to knife crime. These were presented on television as bookends during your average 3 min advertising segment. I'm sure you remember the ones, a POV camera followed a jacketed yoof type as he was shouted at by a bunch of other yoofs, goes home, gets a knife and prepares to get shivvy with it. The ads would cut away pretty suddenly, meaning they kind of ran into what ever the next adverts were, confusing everybody. Especially the wonderful day when I saw “Choose a different ending” cut directly to a Robert Dyas advert, which opened with a Robert Dyas storefront. Amazing. “Choose a different ending” - consider buying your knives from quality high-street kitchenware emporiums. Those knives cut deep, kids.

Despite parking myself in front of the TV with my camera for literally days, desperate to see this amazing piece of TV blunder-ation again, it has remained elusive. I can't explain how amazing it was. I had to actually stand up, point at the Tv and look around saying "Oh! Oh my..! Did you? Did that?", despite knowing I was the only one home. Now that's how one should react to a advert.

Here's how one should not react to an advert Coca-Cola - by blinking (a bit), shrugging, and muttering "Welcome aboard the hipster train. Losers" Sorry, C-dubs, Calvin Harris weak-ass summer song, weird puppety beasties, organs, shiny happy people: I don't buy it, or your sugar-water.

Rock Star

Kids a genius.

Just another day ...

I have a few issues with temper control, and what professionals call "anger management", Its something I work on, and I know I have a terrible temper. It's mostly under control but there are certain things that really set me off. As I walked down towards the train station this morning, I had to cross a narrow bridge, I stood aside for a young woman and her pushchair, and prepared to do the same for a middle-aged gent, plump, sweaty and balding. A business suit chap, I guess in his early forties. As he passed by, instead of the the mumbled "thanks" I was expecting, he decided to "pass comment" on my breasts.

Turning on my heels, I followed the fat bastard up the hill.

At the top of this particular hill, happens to be one, singular office block (TIBCO Biopharm and Pharmecutical Reasearch). I was fairly sure this was where he was heading, and happy days, it was.

I gave him four minutes, then buzzed my way into reception.

"Excuse me" said I (to the receptionist) "I was just walking up the hill when a man dropped his phone, he came in here, its quite an expensive phone, and if I'm sure its the chap in question, I would like to return it to him. Hes large, balding and wearing a sky blue shirt"

"Well" said the receptionist "That sounds like Mark Saunders,the marketing CEO, hes just gone up to his office"

The kindly receptionist let me into the lift for the second floor, where delightful Mark oversaw an open office.

Upon arriving at his floor I dropped my bag (to attract attention) and declared as the office looked up "Ladies and Gentleman, my name is Bethan Hopkins, and I am 17 years old. Mark Saunders, your CEO, just made graphic and tasteless sexual remarks towards me as I passed him on the street. He is a filthy, desperate excuse for a man".

Saunders cried for security and the police. I grabbed an extension phone and said I would call the press. I'm not 17, I'm 26, but don't really look it. Still, Saunders, you filth-bucket, that's no excuse.

Trek.

I am certainly going to enjoy, if not like, the new Star Trek film. That is just a fact. But I really, really enjoyed and liked this, from the good people at The Onion.

Killer Bees? Again?

Today I watched Castle in the Country, at approx 1pm on BBC 2. I have never seen anything quite like it in my life. For a while, I couldn't tell if it was a genius spoof a la Posh Nosh, or if the BBC had finally flipped its lid and was now dedicating an hour of its daily programming to shows specifically designed for the recepients of the Barbour Jackets Club-Class Collectors mailing list.

From the BBC 2 website "Castle in the Country is a daytime magazine programme based in some of the UK's finest castles focussing on rural affairs, agriculture, environment, food and the countryside".

This epidode focused on Burghley House, seems like a nice little spot, hmm?

But the hidden terrors. From the show, I quote ..

"Tom discovers a rare bird in Burghley House, and it's pinned to a wall"
"Gordon is preparing a desert inspired by his Grandmother"

"So, Sybil, the house was completly destroyed in a fire in the 1800's, did you lose everything?"
"Actually, no, the Beringer Rose garden remained undamaged - quite a relief"

Quite. Especially when over in the other wings of the estate, crazed cannibals are basting octogenarian family members and nailing sweet avarians to the walls in blood-lust.

Sadly, the show chose to focus on a show-jumping competition curently being set-up in the 'grinds' of the 'hice'. Nora Bunsenton-Bunsenton was eager to explain that the jumps were made impressivly difficult by being narrow, set near water etc - things that horses don't like. Why not take it to another level, Nora? I bet horses really don't like fire, do they? Or killer bees?

But thats another episode, I'm sure.